Some Notes on My Love Life, Part 1

A few blog posts ago, I made the rather embarrassing admission that I’d fallen for one of my clients. The entire episode felt shameful. It felt shameful, not only because I’d FALLEN FOR A PITFALL of escorting but because I’d honestly prided myself on thinking I was above such common ACTIVITIES as falling in love or being in any kind of a relationship. In fact, I’ve been insufferable when talking about the subject, sarcastically and childishly making retching noises whenever clients ask if I have a boyfriend.

“Oh, how the turn tables have turned” (The Office joke): tough, head-strong Yahira got quite the shock when someone actually came into her life and proved she’s very human after all.

Before said client came and disrupted my life (in a good way), life felt complete. I was happy. Nothing was missing. Instead, he came along and created a need that wasn’t there. I felt something for him I’m not sure I’d ever experienced before and now wanted more of. I was happy, smitten, smiling, laughing, charmed, evolving, learning, humbled. I’d been struck by lightning and it felt as if the universe had delivered to me the one person who actually did complete me.

But again, it all turned out to be a screaming, hysterical, cruel joke played on me. This person was not and is still not available to me and the tragic episode is mostly over with. But it made me realize that my heart is very much open now and I might actually be ready for an “real” relationship.

And I already do feel somewhat fulfilled by the business relationships I already have with long-time clients. I have a couple clients I’ve been seeing on a regular basis for a few years, who know quite a lot about me. There’s emotion there, and knowing, real physical attraction, a bond. But, when I say ‘I’m ready for a relationship’, I’m referring to a more traditional relationship: actually belonging to someone who belongs to me.

So, I’ve given this some thought: how far am I willing to go? What do I want? I’d have to find partner who will fulfill my needs and vice versa. We need to make sense. But it should be also easy. My relationship philosophy is that relationships should not feel like work. People are conditioned to think that relationship are supposed to be a tug of war, constantly having to find common ground so that both parties are happy. For me, this won’t work. My relationship will actually be the closest thing to perfection. I won’t settle for 80% happiness. 90% won’t even do. My relationship will not be one in which I have to live with stress fear, needing to have “talks”, having to “work things” out, and it will definitely not be one in which a relationship counselor will ever be needed.

Oh, yes. I’m idealistic. You’re pronably calling me impractical, un-realistic. But, my dear friends, this is precisely why I’ve been happy for so long. I won’t settle.

This is all funny because when you step back and look at the thing, I say that I am ready for a relationship when all I’m really doing is opening myself up to the sliver a chance that anyone could actually ever meet my expectations. Who ever heard of a relationship that’s “close to perfection”? I must be dreaming. Reaching for the stars… But this is the beauty of being Yahira: I am comfortable and at peace with being a party one. If I can’t have exactly what I want, I won’t have anything at all. Near flawless 8 karat diamond ring for 80% off retail? Put it back. There’s a flaw in it. I’m content with waiting for the real thing.